Dating when you’re completely crazy

In April after being with my partner for nearly 4 years I was dumped. Pretty much by text message. We were supposed to get married in September, venue booked, vows chosen, dress bought. This turned out to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and it threw me in to the worst breakdown I’d ever had. I’d already started giving out the invitations so it was completely humiliating having to tell everyone the wedding wasn’t happening.

Now when I think about it I’ve had a really lucky escape. He wasn’t man enough to take me on and he’d been a user right from the very start. Of course at the time I decided I’d never look for another man again. I was given a kitten so as far as I was concerned I was a paid up member of the old spinster crazy cat lady club.

I’ve never had a decent relationship. They’ve always been abusive, either sexually abusive, emotionally abusive or physically abusive. I’ve kissed a LOT of frogs and never met a prince. Thanks to this I have a pretty warped view on love and sex. I either don’t care or I’m completely needy.

Fast forward to September and I feel like I want to meet someone again. I think a lot of people thought it was a bit soon but I figured a bit of dating would be nice. I never thought I’d meet someone I REALLY like so soon. But of course I have.

M rolls in to my life. We started chatting the night before what would’ve been my wedding day (a real ice breaker). We met 3 days later. I’d been chatting to others for weeks but hadn’t met them in “real life” I always follow my gut instinct and it rarely lets me down.

So I met up with M and we’ve been dating ever since, so for about 6 weeks now. This man has come in to my life at the time I’ve needed him most and of course now my head (which had been feeling better) is now trying to fight with me again.

This man is an absolute dreamboat. I think he’s absolutely gorgeous, but the most amazing thing is he treats me like a QUEEN. Like seriously. He spoils me rotten, sends me the loveliest messages and generally makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My head is freaking out. Big time.

I’m really struggling with someone caring about me so much. He checks to make sure I’ve taken my meds and that I’ve eaten. When I broke my tyre in the week he changed it while I freaked out and he’s even bought me a new tyre as I’m ridiculously poor. He cooks for me, he will do some of my housework when I just can’t get the motivation to do it. He just holds me when I’m having a complete meltdown and want to hurt myself.

I have never been treated like this by a man. I’ve never had someone make me feel so safe. I’ve never had someone care enough to make sure all my needs are being met. I’ve never had someone make me feel beautiful all of the time, and trust me I look crap 99% of the time.

MY HEAD IS FREAKING OUT

I’m at the moment heading in to my old routine of self sabotage. I do this with everything. I’ve never gotten anywhere in life because my head always wins and I’ll screw everything up.

I don’t know what to do. My feelings are shot. I never anticipated feeling like this. I either feel ridiculously happy and excited by this new relationship or I feel like it’s not worth me getting my hopes up cos it won’t work out. There’s no inbetween. I’m either feeling really confident that he likes me or I’m totally insecure and needy.

Does this dating thing get easier with age? No. Is dating easy when you’re mentally ill? Absolutely not!

Introduction

So here I am, after a load of deliberation about whether or not to set up a blog I’m just gonna go for it. So many people tell me I should write, I’m still not sure if anyone would want to read what I have to say! That’s what happens when you hear how stupid you are over and over as a child!

So I’m now 38. My earliest memory of being depressed is at eight years old. I don’t remember much before this age I just remember being desperately unhappy and wishing I wasn’t here. My home life wasn’t ideal, not all women should be mothers and I was acutely aware of this at a very young age. I’m sure I’ll go in to this more at a later date.

My whole life has been one colossal fuck up really, I have very little to show for my life. Of course I have my son now but I’m still not sure of the path I should take career wise, I can’t hold down a relationship and I really don’t like staying anywhere for more than a few years. Friends come and go and I’m still as bad in the head as I’ve ever been.

This year has been the worst, a breakdown had been brewing for a long time and when it finally happened my whole life fell apart. I was tipped over the edge by my dog dying and then my fiancé dumping me. To be honest I wasn’t too upset that he had gone, he wasn’t good for me but the sense of shame and failure was crippling.

When the breakdown hit and I prepared to end my life I felt so calm, so peaceful. I appreciate that may be hard to understand but the thought that I wouldn’t have to deal with my crazy head anymore was a very enticing one. People don’t understand, I can’t expect them to. They question how I could think like that as a mum, but when I was at my lowest I thought it would be the absolute best thing for my boy to not have me screwing up his life anymore.

Obviously I didn’t do it, it wasn’t that I came to my senses, I was disturbed before I could do anything and that was enough for me to reach out and ask for help. Although I’ve been fairly open about my struggles in the past I could normally keep a bit of a lid on it, not this time. I’ve been so vocal about my struggles and I’ve been overwhelmed with all the kindness I’ve been shown. This is probably why I’ve chosen to speak out even more, it’s not right to keep your feelings hidden when you’re depressed, it’s not right to feel so isolated. When I overdosed at 15 I was told by my parents that I had brought shame on the family. I can’t even articulate how that made me feel, even now I’ve been told I should not be posting about my mental illness on social media. I’ve decided to go completely against their wishes though as, at 38 I am an adult and I’m no longer willing to put up and shut up!

For now my main message to anyone feeling completely lost and hopeless is, reach out and speak out. So many people will want to help and to show you love. ❤️

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton